The beginning of a New Year seems like prime time to write a blog for even the most reluctant bloggers, such as myself. I reviewed my past blogs (all 9 of them) to get a feel for what I might want to focus on for 2015. I am always hopeful that I will be positive and inspiring but it doesn’t seem to be in my nature. I am like a Sour Patch kid, sweet one minute and cutting off your pony tail the next minute with an evil grin on my face. My goal for the upcoming year is to curb the sarcastic mean girl inside because she is blocking my mojo.
I am a big believer in looking inward and taking time to reflect. When I look inward I can actually see two spirits. The inner child, so pure, open and curious about life peers back at me from behind her caregiver. This caregiver is my inner teenager, insecure, moody, and suffering from severe OCD. Every time I try to connect with the child I used to be, she is there. Her dialogue includes “that will never work”, “who are you trying to kid”, “people are going to laugh at you”, “you can’t possibly do anything until you organize your desk and plan it all out on spreadsheets”, followed by “but don’t waste your time because it’s a stupid idea”. Any attempt to reason with the inner teen and bring her back from the brink of self-destruction are met with inner eye rolls and door slams. She is impossible. She encourages me to envy the success and happiness of others, doubt myself and perpetually feel awkward and unlikable. She is the mean girl who won’t let you sit with her at school and mocks you openly in front of your peers. I have battled with her for too many decades.
I wonder what would happen if I quit confronting her? She is the spiritual elephant in my inner room. Maybe I could just quietly go around her. I could acknowledge her presence but not address her or confront her. Just throw her an amused nod and check in with the child-like qualities I prefer. I would love to approach the upcoming year excited about my new pursuits, open to new things and confident in my choices. I could speak my mind, stand up for my beliefs and bravely go where I have never been before! That moody little inner being can just sit back and watch while rolling her eyes to her heart’s content. I can’t pretend she isn’t there but I don’t have to engage her in an inner dialogue. It’s time to grab the inner child by the hand and lead her to freedom.
So after this reflective look inward it seems I have decided on my New Year goals, not resolutions to break, but ideals to strive for. I will be open and fearless to new adventures. I will be kind to others as well as myself. I will celebrate other’s success as well as my own. I will assume good intent and be forgiving of all short comings, especially my own. I will stand up and speak out. Perhaps that is a bit too lofty but it’s really what I want. So, snarky inner teen, it’s time to sit down and be quiet. Did you just hear a door slam?